Guilt
by HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Childhood, day 1 of Erwin week 2016. Erwin's father death anniversary.


**Author's Note:** I wanted to make the whole Erwin week but although I tried to plan beforehand, I find myself in an awfully restrictive lack of time. Even if this is short and simple, it was hard for me to write. I tried.

I don't think Erwin's age at the time his father died is stated in canon, I pictured it when he was 8. This fic takes place when he's 14.

Written to Epica's new album, because I find it painfully befitting for Shingeki no Kyojin.

Disclaimer: I obviously don't own Shingeki no Kyojin or Erwin.

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 _"Thank you, father. I'll try harder."_

 _"You have a lot of time. I've been wondering and struggling for years. I'm proud of you for questioning yourself about the world so soon."_

 _"You are?"_

 _A smile and a pat on the shoulder. His father's hand then rested there for a moment, reassuringly._

 _"Of course. Go to bed now, we've lost track of time. We have a full day tomorrow."_

 _._

He often wondered...

"Hey, Erwin. Anyone there?"

... just how full of a day his father had that last time.

"It's not like I'm not used to it by now, but seriously, you blocking people while they talk is kind of annoying."

Erwin blinked. The sound of the words came to him without his brain processing their meaning. His eyes followed the source, a moment later they focused and gave him the image of Nile's offended frown.

"Sorry."

Nile snorted, not too happy.

"You didn't hear a word I said, did you"

"I got sidetracked apparently." His returning senses also told him his hand was holding a spoon loosely over an untouched soup. He pulled it up for a sip. Colder than usual.

Nile's expected second snort came next. He was watching Erwin as he began his first attempts to eat at last, taking his own notes on how much 'sidetracked' he had been.

"You were saying?" Erwin tried, incentivizing him to continue, or start again.

"What's on your mind? Not something happy and nice, like a girl or something. Those mental rambles and theories of yours again?"

"Today's the day my father died."

The annoyed teenager's frown immediately vanished and instead he almost felt embarrassed.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I never remember the day."

"It's alright."

Nile himself hadn't been touching his food much, and now his gaze lowered to it.

"Did you ask the day off? You got it last year, didn't you?"

"No, there's no need."

They fell in an awkward silence for Nile. The other trainees surrounding them were making an unsually loud fuss, chattering and sharing complains or excited progresses.

Eventually, Nile sighed quietly.

"You know, you... maybe today isn't the best day to say this, or maybe it's just the right one. We're friends. I know you're stubborn and dead set on your stuff, but you..."

Erwin appreciated Nile's company - his frequent mind shuts weren't Nile's fault of Erwin's lack of interest in his words - but his mind wouldn't stop. Maybe today he had an excuse for it, as it was the date that began everything.

Six years, trying to work for the answer to the question. It was a lot of time already, and it already had cost too much. All this was but preparation, for he would never be able to move forward towards any truth if he did not get out of those Walls - Nile's great fear and source of clashing between the two. It would really take a lot of time, he knew, but it was the only way to find something against this lie they lived in.

He also knew; he couldn't deceive himself. These past years and the high price he had already paid were nothing compared to the path he would have to go, the further losses that would undoubtedly come, all for...

"...passive suicide, Erwin."

Erwin blinked again and didn't get past opening his mouth for another apology, Nile was already sighing loudly this time.

"I really prefer your lively excited self over your overthinking one. Do you want to babble all your theories and whatnot? You know I listen."

That was true. Erwin smiled and gave up his task of trying to eat something his stomach wouldn't hold.

"Thanks for the company, Nile. I'm sorry, I have to pick somethng before returning to camp."

"Hey, Erwin, I didn't mean to annoy you."

"Don't worry, you didn't."

Nile wasn't making an attempt to follow him, but Erwin could see he feared having upset him.

"Listen, I know today is hard for you. There's a lot of time ahead, I just think you should... think stuff through. You can do good things without killing yourself for them. I'm the only friend you have that's gonna marry and have kids! Think about that."

"See you later, Nile."

The other teenager didn't want to give up, but Erwin turned and moved away. Both knew he didn't have anything to pick on their barracks.

Several other trainees passed and greeted Erwin as he walked outside. It was strangely and densely foggy. Thousands of tiny droplets glued themselves to his face and hair, chilling him for a moment. A couple of trainees chattered, clouds of condensated breath over their faces. Erwin breathed out to see if the same happened to him, and watched the puff of air vanish quickly. He used to do that a lot as a child. That was how his father taught him about air different temperatures and equivalent reaction.

It made him smile for some reason. This type of weather was meant to be appropriate for such days, yet it had been sunny in the cemetary on the day his father's grave was made. Erwin had registered it. It made it look like... it hadn't happen. That he would return home and his father would be there to greet him. That they would talk about school, and Erwin's friends, now they would have talked about their shared questioning over the world as they knew it. That rich blue sky with fluffy clouds would follow Erwin back home and his father would be there.

It would never happen.

He had shared with Nile some of his thoughts. Maybe still ignorant and delluded like when he was a child, he talked on his enthusiam on going outside the Wall. Nile waved his head and tried to dissuade him in a number of ways, but at least never betrayed his trust.

The one thing he never said was the reason his father died.

Six years also meant he had had a lot of time to mourn, accept the loss and move on with his life. Someone said similar words, to another person next to Erwin on a similar occasion. His fellow trainee blamed herself for the loss, a natural reaction to the circumstances that had been completely out of her control. Erwin listened to the words and memorized them, realizing even on that moment that they were nothing but empty sounds to him.

Maybe he had mourned and accepted the loss, allowing him to move on. Maybe he held on to a justification to give purpose to his otherwise empty life; maybe the guilt was no longer there anymore. Just a remnant of it to move him forward on the search; that was part of the grieving.

His fellow trainee could let go of the guilt that she didn't hold. As for him...

The straining on his chest made him raise his hand and squeeze tight, a void attempt to numb the twinge. The cloud of breath over his face quivered and was turning heavier, watery and drowned.

No, that was guilt. And his guilt wouldn't fade away.

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 _Keep searching for your destiny_

 _And you will find all that will set your free_

 _Keep searching for your legacy_

 _And you will find all answers undoubtedly_

 _Keep looking forward endlessly_

 _To evolve and unite the world to become one piece_

 _~ "_ Ascension - Dream state Admageddon", Epica

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 **Author's note:** Thanks for reading. If you find something to say, I appreciate it. Please point out mistakes too.

I wanted to write more for the other days, shame. Hope you enjoyed this one at least.

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